


How to (Not) Piss Off Your Corporal, 104

by KingJulienne



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: And also has an inner eagle, Don't Judge Me, Everyone gets on Levi's nerves, Female Hange Zoë, Gen, Hange Zoë Being Hange Zoë, Hange Zoë's Experiments, Humor, I Don't Even Know, I'm going to hell for this aren't I, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Swears, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) and Cleaning, Levi has little man's complex, Levi-centric (Shingeki no Kyojin), OC Male Intern named Iwan, Originally Posted on Wattpad, Poor Iwan, Swearing, Titan Eren is a big nerd, Ymir Being Ymir, by a peculiar author of a peculiar mindset, crackish, no animals were harmed in the writing of this story, oh well, so many things happen, some violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-24
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-02-10 04:38:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2011209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingJulienne/pseuds/KingJulienne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This may not be a checklist, but it is funny though. This is 104 documented situations that you didn't know happened to Corporal Levi, probably because he doesn't like to talk about them. Ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Number One:

**I am not to play leap frog with Corporal Levi while he is tending to the floors. He is not losing the game because he doesn’t know he is playing/refuses to play, and I should stop insisting that he is. His silence in the matter is not an invitation to continue my actions, and I should cease and desist immediately.**

**+++**

It was no secret that Levi liked to keep things clean, very clean, and the cleanest. Call him nitpicky, or vain, but if the floor didn’t shine to the point he could see himself in it, Levi had a problem with it. Thus, Levi’s walk through the halls came to an abrupt stop.

His upper lip curled the longer he stared. “What kind of hackjob cleaning…?” he muttered, glaring at the floors. The wood, shined and polished to the point his forehead reflected back at him was marred by a smear of, of  _something._  He couldn’t even find the words to describe.

“Filthy,” he muttered, focused on the stain that put his smile off another ten thousand years. However long this stain had been allowed to live, Levi hoped it had a good life. Because as of right now, he was ending it.

Grumbling and mumbling, Levi reached for his belt and pulled it open, unzipping the fly, revealing a set of rubber gloves. Slipping them onto his hands and returning his pants and belt to their natural order, he whipped out a bandana from his back pocket, tying it right around his head.

Preparation almost complete, Levi shoved his hand into his jacket for a bottle of multi-purpose cleanser—something he’d made himself. Rather convenient, when ambiguous shit tried to ruin his day.

The operation had begun, the aura of “do not touch me, I am sterile” radiating off the Corporal’s being.

Cleaning Corporal, activate.

Levi dropped to his knees, careful of his target stain and snapped off his cravat, the long white cloth he had tucked into the front of his shirt doubled as a cleaning utensil.

He sprayed the stain about seven times—“Mutherfuckin’ stains, in the mutherfuckin’ halls,”—and slammed the towel down.

He began scrubbing, the furious squeak of his cravat scouring the floors echoing off the hall walls.

…

Hanji stopped, her interest piqued when she saw Levi scrubbing vehemently at the floor. She supposed dropping that muddy boot earlier wouldn’t escape Levi’s attentions. Nothing ever got past him. Nothing.

Except me, Hanji thought, the sunlight getting caught in her glasses.

She touched her hands to the floor, propping herself in a runner’s position. She took a deep breath, looking down at her feet, then looking up at her destination at the other end of the hall. Crowds cheering, fans ecstatic. It was time for an experiment.

Ichi, she thought, rising slowly. Ni, She leaned forward ever so slightly.

“San!” she barked, pushing off the ground and bursting down the hall, the heels of her boots clomping against the wood and resounding off the high walls. Her eyes bright with adrenaline, her arms pumping wildly at her sides, Hanji forsook form for speed as Levi appeared less small than he had when she was at the end of the hall.

In her last burst of effort, she jumped, punching the air with her hands and kicking her ass with both of her heels. She silently cheered, hearing voices call her name as she soared over Levi.

She started to descend. Hanji dropped her knee to the wood, holding up a victorious fist. Even as she got to her feet, her fist was still raised.

And then she folded her hands behind her back, going on her merry way. By the time she reached the end of the hall, she wondered if she actually  _did_ get passed Levi. Sparing a look back, she found Levi still scrubbing at that spot on the floor, as if he hadn’t noticed her at all.

And thus, she unearthed a thought.

“Levi,” she sang, turning around. The Corporal continued to work. Trapped in Cleaning Mode, she saw. Knowing this now, Hanji’s glasses fogged up with a devious behavior.

Hanji bolted down the hall again. Nearing Levi, she jumped and span over Levi, skidding to a stop on the other side. She turned around and jumped over him again, running a ways back. She rushed back and forth, jumping over him and striking as many different poses as she could manage, victory signs, tongue jutting out, her middle fingers punched up as she told the sky to eat its heart out.

“You’re not very good at this game, are you, Levi?” Hanji asked him.

No response, just grumbling, and the incessant squeak-squeak-squeak of his scarf against the floor.

“I,” Hanji shouted almost in song, jumping over him, “am,” she jumped again, “winning! Leap Frog Master Hanji! And you're losing, Levi! Losing!”

Hanji bolted for him again, pumping her arms wildly, giggling to her heart’s content.

Taking one last leap, she tripped over his side and fell flat on her face.

She could feel his eyes boring into her soul. She started to sweat, loudly.

Thus, three hours later, she was strung up by her ankles, “I Will not Jump over Corporal” taped to her palms because nothing got past Corporal Levi. Nothing.


	2. Number Two:

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't help Corporal reach things. It's not a good idea.

**I am NOT to assist, nor suggest that I assist Corporal Levi when he can't reach things from the top of the fridge. He prefers to do it himself, and if I'm the bastard who made the thing unreachable in the first place, I am in for a facial redecoration, the permanency of which has yet to be decided.**

+++ 

“For the love of motherfuck…” Levi muttered, glaring at up at the fridge. All he wanted was a damn cookie, but the fridge just _had_ to be too damn tall, now didn’t it? “Why do we need such a huge friggin’ fridge anyway? What’re we saving, Erwin’s eyebrow product-”

“Corporal?”

His rant abruptly ended. Out the corner of his eye, Levi caught Erd as he poked his head into the kitchen. As Levi turned to regard him, Erd raised an eyebrow, considering the situation he saw.

Levi simply sighed. “It’s nothing,” he assured him. 

Erd remained in the doorway, looking between Levi glaring at the fridge door and the fridge itself. Eventually, during this waiting and watching, Erd decided to open his mouth.

“You’re too short to reach the cookie jar, aren’t you?” he asked. 

Levi’s shoulders stiffened. “Run that by me again, Erd?”

“Um,” Erd said. “Forget I said anything.”  

“That’s what I thought you said,” Levi grumbled. Erd left with a stiff nod.  

…

 

The second attempt required certain materials, so Levi propped a chair up against the fridge. Climbing up and knowing he had won against distance and height difference this time, Levi looked up and found the smile of victory on his face dropped.

“You’re shitting me,” Levi said, wiggling his fingers at the cookie jar so close, yet so far. His longest finger didn’t even touch the top of the fridge. 

He was more than aggravated now. “For the love of-” 

“Corporal, you in here?” 

Levi turned towards the door, glowering, yet refraining from growling. “What, Eren?” he barked at the teenager, whose face screwed up like he was trying to make sense of what Levi was doing. It was pretty cut and paste, from Levi’s perspective: Just a simple man trying to reach cookie jar but failing incredibly, because fridges are assholes and cookie jars like to be perpetually out of reach. 

“What are you…doing?” Eren asked him, looking at the chair, and then the fridge. 

Levi chewed on the inside of his cheek subtly. “What do your elf-eyes see, Eren,” Levi asked. 

Sweating slightly, Eren scratched his cheek. “Well…you’re trying to get to the cookie jar on top of the fridge…?” he suggested. 

“Bingo, we have a winner,” Levi said. “I’d get you a cookie but you’re shit out of luck, apparently.” He had a right to be salty.

Heavy silence pervaded the space between the two of them. Levi went back to glaring at the fridge, asking some kind of higher power why they had to be such a dick and curse him with this insufferable inconvenience. 

“Well, I could reach it for you?” Eren suggested. He left the doorframe and entered the kitchen. Stepping up onto the chair with Levi, Eren put his hand on Levi’s shoulder to balance himself as he reached up and grabbed the cookie jar off the top of the fridge. 

Eren couldn’t have but an inch or two on him. And yet, here he was. Getting the cookie jar with ease. Shocking? Sure. Aggravating? Plenty.

Eren held the cookie jar between them. “Here, Corporal.” 

Levi didn’t say a word.

“I guess I should’ve kept it closer to the edge, huh?” Eren added on with a little laugh.

Levi looked at the jar, then he looked at Eren. Then, he found his eyes back on the jar, but not for too long as his eyes had gone back to Eren. Just a moment passed before his eyes went back to the jar and then back to Eren in the same moment.

Eren could reach the cookie jar…because he was the bastard that moved it.

“Eren…” Levi said, eyes locked on the boy. Anger manifested.

“Yeah?” Eren stuttered, the sudden urge to lean away overtaking all his other senses. 

…

 

“So, let me get this straight,” Hanji said, her arms folded as the medical team pulled shards of porcelain from Eren’s brow and face. 

Levi sat at the kitchen table, all the cookies from the jar stacked up in a pyramid on top of a silver platter beside him.

He sipped at a mug of coffee as he watched Eren’s unconscious form out the corner of his eye. 

“He tried to get the cookie jar off the top of the fridge,” Hanji said slowly, pointing at Eren. 

“Yep,” Levi said. 

“And he slipped.” 

“Yep.” 

“And busted the jar on his head?” 

“Yep.” 

“Then how did the cookies survive?” Hanji asked Levi. 

He shrugged, took another sip of coffee. “I wasn’t going to leave cookies on the floor,” he said. “That’s filthy.”

A long pause passed between Corporal and Hanji. 

“After you took all the cookies out,” Hanji mused aloud, and Levi cursed internally, knowing he was caught, “you threw the jar at Eren’s head because he was the one who moved it, didn’t you?” she asked him flatly. 

Levi took a moment to drain his mug. “…Yep.”


	3. Number Three:

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanji does a lot of experiments. Some fruit some efforts...some require bread breasts.

**Wasting stock giving the male population of the army bread breasts is intolerable behavior. Saying the actions taken were, “an experiment on Eren gone awry” is not an excuse, and neither is, “No freedom until we’re equal” a proper explanation for my actions.**

**+++**

She had built a little obsession with Eren ever since he agreed to be a part of her experiments, no matter how eccentric.

It was imperative, almost life-threatening if she did  _not_ complete this task she’d set out to do during routine base cleansing. Eren, as she had discovered through hours of espionage and outright staring, was most vulnerable then.

As she waited outside the room Levi had forced Eren to clean and clean again, testing the weight of the fruitcake she’d found in the kitchen near the new cookie jar, she spoke to her mental scientist’s log to document this precious event.

“That’s Eren Jaeger,” She said, “I’m Hanji Zoe, and this is Jackass.”

She cleared her throat. “Eren,” she barked, imitating Levi, “come out here for a sec.”

“Coming,” Eren answered quickly. Hanji giggled to herself as she listened to his footsteps approach the door.

The moment Eren exited, she took the fruitcake in her hands and smacked him in the face with it, rendering Eren unconscious. Before he collapsed, Hanji took Eren into her arms, cupping her hand over his mouth and nose. The moment he inhaled he sunk against her body, unconscious.

The stench of fruitcake was enough to knock out a titan, she figured from past tests.

Incapable of stopping her giggling, Hanji dragged Eren down the hall and through another to the deepest, darkest place in the headquarters, christened, The Place Where No Man Should Tread. She dragged him into her laboratory, which also happened to be her room on occasion and onto the table under the light, adjusting him so he looked more like a patient rather than a carcass.

She drummed her fingers against themselves as she peered over her subject; her plans were coming into fruition.

“This is going to be lovely,” she said, just as the door shut behind her. She looked back, seeing her assistant Iwan, brown-haired and obedient.

“Iwan,” she called him, “did you bring the crack cocaine?”

Iwan blinked, and he looked between her and the door, before looking back at her. “Was I supposed to bring that?” he asked.

“No,” Hanji confessed, “but it is nice,” she added.

“Well, I’ve got the other stuff,” Iwan said, bringing the items to the table closest to Hanji. Hanji nodded, reaching blindly behind her to touch Iwan on the head. She ended up brushing her fingers up and down his lips and almost jabbing him in the eye with her pinky, but it never mattered. “Oh god, what’s on your fingers-”

“Shush, Iwan,” she said, taking her fingers away. “No pain now, only dreams.”

“Uh…” Iwan said, rightly backing up a step.

Hanji straightened and clapped her hands together. Man, she loved science. “Now, we begin!”

She took the hem of Eren’s shirt and pulled it over his head, exposing his torso, rising and falling with the gentleness of sleep, the sweet release of unconsciousness.

“The glue, Iwan,” Hanji commanded with a smile. Within moments, Iwan had the glue within her reach.

“Are you sure we can use this stuff?” he questioned as Hanji took the glue into her hands.

“C’mon, Iwan, it’s me we’re talking about,” Hanji explained, turning the spreading utensil around in the glue to coat it thickly, “I can utilize whatever materials I need in the name of science.”

“How is this science?”

“You’ll see, you’ll see.” Hanji pulled the utensil and its brush end free. She brought it to Eren’s chest, spreading the glue back and forth and painting thick layer after layer. When satisfied, she put the brush back into the glue and set it on the table.

She waved in Iwan’s—general—direction. “The breasts, Iwan,” she demanded next, “the breasts!”

There was a moment of hesitation. “The breads, you mean,” Iwan corrected her.

“They serve the same purpose, Iwan,” Hanji told him, “now, _bring_ the _breasts!”_

“Yes, ma’am,” Iwan droned, bringing the bread over to her.

Hanji walked behind him, and pushed him up to the table. “You do the honors, Iwan. Carefully now.”

Iwan started to sweat uncomfortably. “Are you serious-”

“Just  _do_ it, Iwan!” Hanji insisted over his protesting. “For science!”

Iwan rolled his eyes. “ _Fine,”_ he agreed, closing the small distance between he and the table with a step.

He leaned over the table, holding the breads over Eren’s chest. “Careful now, Iwan,” Hanji breathed over his shoulder, leaning over him as he set the bread on Eren’s chest. Her nails dug into Iwan’s shoulders where she gripped him.

“Careful, Iwan. Careful. Care—Careful, Iwan, Careful—CAREFUL, IWAN!”

Iwan turned to look at her. “The bread is in place…Ma’am.”

Hanji’s eyes widened in amazement as she left Iwan, walking around him and to the other side of the table herself. Grabbing a scraping utensil, she meticulously pushed the remnant glue up and around the bread to keep Eren’s shirt from gluing to his new attachments.

She tugged Eren’s shirt down—carefully, of course—over his chest and stomach to find that her surgery was successful.

Her glasses fogged over with mischief. “She is…COMPLETED!” She shouted, punching the air with both fists. She ran around the table, capping the glue and snatching the bag of bread. “Come, Iwan. I have the craziest idea.”

“What are we doing?” Iwan asked as he too, was grabbed and dragged toward the door.

“We must away, Iwan! Away for the betterment of the army!” As they left the lab and entered the halls, Squad Leader Hanji added, “We are creating equality!”

Iwan rolled his eyes.

The sun had not been up for two hours yet, and Iwan was already planning his funeral.

…

 

Equality Hanji did create, if giving the entire male population of the army bread breasts was any consolation to the cause.

“My chest feels strange” was the common statement of the day among the men, some even stroking their chests awkwardly and finding some growth there.

Whenever Hanji saw one of her victims, she burst into a raucous laughter and had to stagger around the corner to spare herself, only to come into contact with another victim.

In her attempt to defend her sides from splitting, she spotted Eren come into contact with Corporal Levi, the only person she dared not breast, and she cupped her hand over her mouth to silence her shrieking laughter when Levi took to verbally smacking Eren around for “wasting the fucking stock”.

He must’ve seen her; for nothing got past Corporal, and he stormed over to her.

“Hanji,” he barked, as she back pedaled around the corner, taking long strides and using the difference in their heights to speed away. “Hanji, get  _back_ here, you shitty scientist.”

“Sorry, Levi, I’m busy at the—pfft—moment,” she said, passing Erd and Gunther fondling each other’s bread breasts in the enterprise to make sense of them.

They sputtered apart when Corporal passed them; he ignored their apologies and explanations to hound Hanji. “Hanji. I know this was you, I ain’t stupid. This has you and Iwan all over it—get  _back_ here, you piece of shit scientist, and that’s a fucking order.”

Hanji sighed, coming to a stop. She turned around and watched a harried Corporal storm up to her, glaring up in that manner he did when he tried to look menacing. It never really worked with her, yet she respected him enough to let him believe it did for the sake of his grouchy kitten appearance.

“Why do these fuckers have breasts,” Corporal growled at her, pointing back in the general direction of which they came. “Explain this shit.”

“You’ll have to apologize to Eren for that, since it’s not his fault,” Hanji said. “But otherwise, it was an experiment on Eren gone awry.”

“Just  _awry,_ huh?” Levi said. "Nothing more, lemme toss you a line here,  _specific?"_

Hanji sighed, then clenched a determined fist. “No freedom until we’re equal,” she said.

Levi narrowed his eyes at her. “What.”

“How can we seek freedom if we’re all different, Levi?” Hanji asked him.

Instead of giving her an answer, or shouting at her for using deep, philosophical questions to explain her mischievous behaviors, he stormed away. Just as Hanji thought she was freed, Levi stormed back, pointing at her, and then slashing his hand away as he pivoted on his heel and stormed back in the opposite direction.

She folded her hands behind her back, watching him with mild (complete) amusement as he stormed back for the last time.

He grabbed her by her nose and pinched the nostrils together, shaking her by it. Despite herself and her situation, Hanji sputtered snickers past her barks of discomfort.

“Did that clear the nonsense out of your head?” Levi asked. “Everyone’s going to be equally cursed with the shits because we don’t have bread for a month.”

“I suppose we should make the breast of it,” Hanji honked, giving Levi a thumbs up. Levi’s eyes widened. Not in shock, not entirely, but in shock at the audacity.

“How dare you make me hear that with my own two ears,” Levi said. Hanji looked at him without a shred of regret.

Thus, she was strung up by her ankles once again, singing, “I am the Breast Around” until Levi thought to cut her down.


	4. Number Four:

**I Am NOT To Point out Dust/Bugs in Corporal’s Office.**

**+++**

“I have those forms you wanted, Corporal,” Erd said, setting a heap of papers on Levi’s desk.

The  _thump_ caused dust to rise off of them, and Levi flinched when he saw it. “Would it’ve killed ya to dust them off?” Levi asked, his jaw set stiffly as he tried not to breathe in anything, taking a duster to the papers already.  “Where’d you get these from, a mortuary? This isn’t dust, it’s some grandpa’s ashes.”

“Oh, sorry, Corporal,” Erd said. “Your office is dusty anyway, so I thought it wouldn’t matter.”

Levi stopped his dusting, looking up at Erd. “What’re you talking about, Erd.” If anyone brought filth into his office, normally pristine, it was this guy standing in front of him. 

Erd blinked. “Well, it’s pretty dusty in here.” 

Levi narrowed his eyes, irritation building. “How do you figure?” He asked, quite sarcastically, “After I just dusted in here.”

Erd’s eyebrows shot into his hairline. “What, really? That’s unlike you to miss…” 

Before Erd even had the chance to gesture about to the so-called “dust” he saw but Levi seemed to miss, Levi stood up, looking about the room himself.

“Get my duster,” he said. “No, scratch that. Burn the old duster, and get me a new duster, and it’d better be good.” He started muttering to himself, “I can’t believe this shit. I just dusted in here.” 

When Erd returned with the duster, Levi had taken to the room with his cravat, dusting every nook and cranny, the windows all open so the dust would flow out with the breeze. 

“I’m back with the duster, Corporal,” Erd said, holding up the item. 

Levi whirled on him. “Took you long enough,” he said. “Did you have to shit before you came back?” 

Erd blinked. “Er, no, sir.” 

Levi stormed over, clicking his tongue. He snatched the duster, spitting “Get out” before he set to dusting with it, muttering curses about infidel dust and the lack of proper cleaning utensils to work with. 

…

 

After making a mental note to have the old duster cremated, and then have the old duster’s ashes cremated, Levi set to the paperwork he’d had Erd bring him. 

Unannounced, his door came open. His eyes snapped up to spot Hanji striding into the office as though it were her own, eyes on Levi and a casual grin spread across her face. When she wasn’t being a little shit to him, he was actually fond of her company. 

Before she could even make it to the desk, however, Hanji stopped and shrieked, jumping back.

“Agh!” she cried out. 

Levi stood, stopping himself from peering over the edge desk, for it only took him seconds to realize his…height would make it rather difficult to see what the hell Hanji was screeching about. 

“What?” Levi asked. “Did you jump at your own shadow again?” 

He walked around the desk and peered at the ground. He saw nothing. He turned around to find Hanji doubled over and holding her sides, guffawing at the ground. 

“What? What’re you laughing about?” Levi asked, narrowing his eyes. 

Hanji laughed. “I thought, I thought I saw a bug,” she said, slapping her knee, “but it was just your _foot_ under the desk!” 

Not only was Corporal picky about cleanliness, he also was rather nega-fond of insects. 

If bugs crawling around told him anything, it was that his office was filthy and he needed to clean it, twice over, and make sure to spray pesticide all throughout the various corners where bugs could occur. 

Giving her time to get most of her amusement with the situation out of her system, Levi snatched her by the back of her jacket and the back of her belt. 

“Ah! Hey!”

“Realized what’s going on, did you?” Levi asked as he carried her to the door.

“Yeah, pretty sure,” Hanji said.

“Well let me ease your suspicions,” Levi said, kicking the door open.

“Aw, Levi, come on, don’t be so sore! Don’t throw me out, I’m not trash! Levi-”

Levi tossed her out into the hall. She tried to apologize for her foot comment, but the door to his office slammed shut a moment later. 

…

 

Three raps against the door brought Eren into his office. Levi sighed, having finally finished the papers in the silence, taking breaks to dust and make sure the room had no insects crawling where he could and could not see them. 

“What?” Levi asked. 

“I was sent to get the papers, Corporal,” Eren said, approaching the desk. He couldn’t stop looking around, however, taking in the room as though he’d never been in this place before. 

“What? You’ve never been in my office before?” Levi asked him. 

Eren turned to him, a nervous look about his face.  “No, sir, it’s just…” he paused, looking around again, “…It’s immaculate in here, Corporal. More than normal.” 

Levi silently and inwardly patted himself on the back and threw himself a congratulations party at the comment. 

“Naturally,” he said. He gestured toward the stack of papers. “Take those to Gunther, and he’ll take ‘em to Erwin.” 

“Yes sir,” Eren said, taking the papers into his arms. 

As he walked away, Eren stopped, suddenly his eyes flitting about the room in an even more erratic manner. 

“Your neck okay, Eren?” Levi asked him. 

Eren spared a glance back at him. “It is, it’s just—” He suddenly took a hand out from under the papers, swatting the air. “—there’s a fly in here.”

Levi’s eyes widened.  _“Fly?”_  

The epitome of all things disgusting despite the roach, flying around? In his office?  _Freely?_  

“This fucker’s going to die.  _Don’t_ move.” Levi stormed over to his equipment set neatly on its table by the wall, grabbing up the mechanism by the booster, connecting and then proceeding to unsheathe a sword. 

Eren flickered a surprise glance at him. Just as he did, the fly buzzed around Eren’s face before settling on his nose. “Corporal?” 

“Don’t move,” Levi barked, holding up the sword, his eyes flickering with lethality. 

Eren started to panic, sweat beading his face and his eyes going wide. Levi watched as the disgusting insect cleaned its wings. 

“Good bye, you little shit,” Levi grumbled, eyes pointed at the fly. 

He raised the sword, glowering dangerously at Eren. 

Eren’s facial expression could be described as: severely shitting his pants. 

Levi raised the blade to swing. “Don’t move,” Levi repeated with more insistence when Eren flinched. 

Eren stiffened, the fly now centered on his brow.  Levi raised the blade a little higher, eyes gleaming. Eren screeched just as Levi swung at his forehead with a shout. 

…

 

Levi sat at his desk while the medical team applied bandage tape to an unconscious Eren’s forehead. 

“So let me get this straight,” Petra said where she stood next to a snickering Aluo. “You saw a fly.” 

“Yup,” Levi said, shuffling papers on the desk. 

“So you drew a sword,” Petra said, pointing to Levi’s immaculate equipment, save its nicks and wear from old age and use. 

“Yup.” 

“Cut it in half.” 

“Yup. 

“And Eren just fell, face first onto your sword? ‘Cause he passed out?” 

Levi sighed. “Yup.” 

As Eren was carried out by the medical team to be put on bed rest, Petra turned to look at her Corporal. 

“The fly was on his forehead, wasn’t it?” she assumed. 

Levi didn’t answer. He shuffled a few more papers, making sure they were neat before laying them aside. “Go make sure he’s alright,” he said instead of answering her. 

Petra sighed. “Yes, Corporal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Eren. This might be a thing.


	5. Number Five:

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not that he doesn't appreciate the gesture, but sometimes what works for everyone doesn't work the same for Corporal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I wrote this, I used the Krista near the beginning of SNK, the one everyone saw as a bright and shimmering goddess, so please excuse me for her character representation in this chapter, and enjoy anyway xD

**Hug Your Superior Day is not a real holiday, and therefore I will stop using it as an excuse to hug Corporal Levi. Claiming it as a “personal holiday” does not make it any more official or any more okay to hug Corporal, and I should stop making such implications.**  

+++

There were days—not frequently but few—where a foul, dense fog of irritation rested over the Scouting Legion. It happened out of nowhere, a day like this, where solider stalked around the grounds in an off mood.

Scowls, frowns, and looks of disinterest were more like to show face rather than a smirk or a grin. Training was made harder to give the instructors their off day’s pleasures. Fights were like to break out, and like to be allowed to continue for the sake of entertainment. Also, on such irrationally bitter days, the high-ranking officials of the Legion tended to express more inhibited demeanors. They chose to be unapproachable, and soldiers respected this choice.

Yet, they opened their arms to Christa and accepted her display of affection. Someone had informed her of “Hug Your Superior Day”, a holiday around the base, where someone was picked to go hug as many superiors as they could, ending their rounds with Lance Corporal Levi and starting with Commander Erwin.

The Commander had smiled like a father to his daughter when Christa gave him his day’s hug; Squad Leader Hanji had laughed and appreciated the gesture, calling it “precious” and “a godsend.”

Squad Leader Mike had sniffed her head and fluffed it afterwards, several other leaders doing their own, strange forms of thanks—someone gave her a flower to put in her hair.

Christa had just about finished her rounds, having spread the love of Hug Your Superior Day, which had become something of a personal holiday for her during her first time’s run. She’d even hugged a few others, mainly people she knew from Squad 104, simply changing the title to “Hug Day”, and it proved just as effective in brightening the sour mood.

Passing on her happiness had spread amongst the army like a cancer, and she had one more person to approach before the day was over.

Lance Corporal Levi’s office was one hall away, and she approached it with a lack of caution. She’d overheard Eren speaking with Armin about the Corporal, saying that at times, he seemed unapproachable due to the way he naturally wore his face, but you could talk to him, as long as your words were dealt quickly.

Just a quick hug and I’ll be off, she determined, the door coming up on her right.

Before she could reach it, it flung open, the Lance Corporal, dark eyed and furious—possibly because of the day’s bitter aura—stormed out into the halls, muttering to himself and walking stiffly.

Christa continued walking his way, directly in his path. He seemed too angry to turn away from her, or notice her for that matter. The moment she caught him in a hug and told him, “Happy Hug Your Superior Day!” he’d come to an abrupt halt the moment she touched him.

His making no movement to hug her back was expected. She suspected he didn’t hear her.

She backed away and looked into his face; he was frozen to the spot, mid-stride, mid-movement to run her over.

“Happy Hug Your Superior Day, Corporal,” she’d told him with a genuine smile.

He pointed his eyes at her. His head exploded, a plumage of smoke and fire engulfing his entire head.

Her eyes widened and her breathing caught in her throat.

His body fell over, his head still consumed by fire, and Christa screamed, beginning to panic.

She fell to her knees beside the Corporal, shouting for someone to come help.

…

 

Levi awoke in the infirmary, staring out at the ceiling. Standing at his bedside were Hanji and Erwin, surprisingly.

Oh, and the little blonde girl who’d made his head explode. It was always the little blonde girls; Petra bore witness to his head explosion last year.

Whoever keeps telling them to do this shit needs to cut it out, Levi determined. They must know I explode and get their shits and giggles about it.

“Good, you’re awake,” the Commander pointed out.

“Yeah,” Levi said. “I feel like shit, though.” The girl in the room flinched. Hanji patted her on the shoulder sympathetically.

He wondered if she thought he was upset with her. She did make his head explode, so he had grounds.

Levi blinked, first looking at Hanji. “Didn’t you warn her that hugging me doesn’t end well?” he asked.

Hanji shrugged. “She was trying to brighten everyone’s day. Besides, you’d be upset if you didn’t get a hug, too.” Levi knew she was teasing him.

My head wouldn’t have exploded, he wanted to say, but the girl looked remorseful enough for her actions that it was better left unsaid.

“Look, kid,” he said, “I appreciate the gesture, but hugs aren’t my shit. My head doesn’t like it when I’m hugged.”

“It explodes?” the girl mentioned.

“Yeah, that shit,” Levi said. “This isn’t the first ‘Hug Your Superior’ Day or something like it I’ve been through, so no more hugs. Got it?”

The girl nodded. “Yes, Corporal,” she said, apologetically.

“I mean, people need to stop hugging me in general—that personal holiday malarkey can go, too,” Levi said, glowering at the Commander. “Unless you  _like_ seeing me after my head’s gone boom, like a damn sadist or something.” He made a face, though it was hard with all the bandage around his head. “Gross,” he said.

Commander Erwin blinked. “Oh, is that what it seemed like?” he said. “We should make the effort to make Hug Your Superior Day and actual event.”

Hanji smiled at that. “Oh, yes, I like that idea.”

“I don’t,” Levi said.

“I’m sorry, Corporal, you have no say,” Commander Erwin said with a smile. “Thank you, Ms. Renz, for continuing our new tradition.”

The girl smiled. “It’s my pleasure, Commander Smith.”

“Erwin…” Levi growled.

“Rest easy, Levi,” Commander Erwin said to him as he gestured for Christa and Hanji to leave the room. “You’ll have to be recovered for the next Hug Your Superior Day.”

“ _No one_ is going to hug me,” Levi spat at his back. “Ever. Again. Oi. Erwin!”

His protests fell on deaf ears as the Commander left the hospital room. Levi fell back against his pillows. “I can’t believe this shit,” he growled. “Fucking sadist,” he bit, cursing Commander Erwin.


	6. Number Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Corporal cares, he really does. That's why we do not play with titans. They are deadly, and not a game.

**Hungry, Hungry Hippos, Titan Edition is not a proper game and it can also get me killed, therefore I am to never make a game of jumping across Titan mouths and narrowly escaping their jaws.**

**\+ + +**

When one fears, it is said the strangest impulses overcome their minds and bodies. Before they knew the severity of what they’d done, they were in shit.

Winded mirth on just about one of their faces, Gunther and Erd looked back, several aberrant titans scouring after them, on all fours with hungry eyes. They gnashed their jaws and lurched at the rear ends of Erd and Gunther’s horses. Of course, by this point, they’d lost their minds, as they’d lost Corporal Levi about ten minutes ago.

There’d only been one titan when Corporal charged off with Petra and Aluo practically dragging Eren and his horse off with them. Three more had leapt from the shadows and thus their current predicament.

Erd looked away from their pursuers and their malicious, silly faces. “Oi, Gunther!” Erd shouted at his companion of the moment, over their horses and over the strangled roars of the titans behind them. “It’s like that one game—what’s it called again?”

Gunther looked at Erd with disbelief, possibly at the fact that he was smiling this whole time. “We’re gonna  _fucking die?”_ Gunther answered.

“Hungry Hippos, yeah!” Erd agreed, nodding once before looking back at the titans. One lunged forward; Erd kicked his horse and it shot forward, Gunther half a second behind him. “Whoo-hoo-hoo,” Erd laughed, “that was close!”

“ _Erd,_ have you  _lost_ your  _mind?”_ Gunther shouted. “We’re going to get eaten and you—you’re  _laughing_ about it!”

Erd made a face. “You’re really a spoil sport, aren’t you, Gunther?”

Where Erd had narrowed his brows, Gunther’s shot his up into his hairline, “ _Are you shitting me right now?”_

“No,” Erd said, glancing back, “but this’ll be fun, promise.”

“Erd, what’s _fun_ about this? There’s  _nothing_ fun about this,” Gunther attempted to persuade, sparing a look back and kicking his horse forward as a titan snipped at the end of its tail. “We kill them or we die, Erd!”

“C’mon, Gunther, it’s Hungry, Hungry Hippos,” Erd shouted as he rose up on his horse, gathering the hilts to his Maneuver Gear. “But  _titan_  edition!”

Gunther made to rise in the saddle as well. “You’re crazy,” he muttered to himself, taking the hilts into his hands. The world lurched awkwardly as he stood on his horse, the grass rushing past them and thunderous booms scrabbling after them.

Erd suddenly cried out. Shit. Gunther turned that way to find Erd’s horse bolting off to the side and Erd spiraling in the air toward the slobbery, hungry mouths of the titans.

“Erd!” he shouted, just as Erd planted his foot on the upper lip of one titan. The titan crossed its eyes to glower at him just as one other threw itself in Erd’s direction. Erd leapt, the titan closing its jaws around the face of the titan Erd just left. Gunther would watch in awe, but as he flipped toward the other two titans, Erd gave Gunther a signal to slaughter the others.

“He’s crazy, seriously,” Gunther muttered, shooting his anchors at the tangled mess of titans and going off to slay them.

As he pulled that way, the titan getting its eye bitten off swiped at him with its free arm. Gunther retracted his anchors and flipped onto the hand, pushing off to re-anchor on the back of the biting titan’s neck.

. . .

“What are those idiots doing,” Levi asked himself, struggling to keep calm as he watched Erd and Gunther hop and yank themselves around to slaughter the entanglement of four titans. He was pretty sure he heard one of them laughing, even in this distance. But until he knew just who, he would bitterly assume it was both of them.

They leapt from mouth to mouth, Erd and Gunther. Right as one titan aimed to snap their jaws around their ankles, they were already falling toward another’s mouth, to brace a foot against their teeth and leap off a moment later.

Where Gunther had looked as though he didn’t want to participate in Erd’s, whatever this was—a game?—he had eventually joined him.

“Shouldn’t we go help them-”

“Eren, if you ask to go help them one more time I’m going to spank you in the face,” Levi snapped over him, clenching his horse’s reins too tightly to slap anyone. “Wait until they get over here, those shits.”

Levi didn’t give them the chance. Sitting by enough, internally screaming like a mother would when she found her baby playing in deadly spiders, Levi’d kicked his black destrier into action, and his horse galloped toward Erd and Gunther just as they finished slaying the four titans.

Petra, Aluo, and Eren followed suit.

“Are they going to get in trouble, Ms. Petra?” Eren asked.

She only smiled bitterly. “It’s Corporal Levi; of course they are.”

. . .

Panting from fear and excited fear, and the titan blood evaporating off the cloth of their uniforms and their faces, Gunther and Erd stepped away from the carcasses to catch their breath in somewhat cleaner air.

“Well that was fun, wasn’t it, Gunther?” Erd said, smiling at Gunther.

Gunther, on the other hand, only saw Erd’s smile for a second, for a small man’s foot slammed into the side of his head and brought him to the ground and deep into the earth. Gunther, to his horror, saw Corporal Levi, grinding the heel of his boot into the side of Erd’s face.

“Are you fucking serious,” Levi snapped at him. “What were you doing, playing Hungry, Hungry, Hippos, Fucking Titan Addition?”

Gunther raised a finger. “That’s ‘Edition’, Corporal—”

“Shut up, Gunther, you’re in shit, too,” Levi barked at him. Gunther snapped his mouth shut.

Corporal turned his wroth back on Erd. “Well? Was it, Erd?”

“Y-yeah,” Erd said, as clearly as possible.

“Well color yourself an idiot, Erd,” Levi scolded, yanking Erd up from the earth and glowering at him. To Gunther, he looked as though he were wavering between consciousness and unconsciousness, but chose to feign unconsciousness as to keep the shouting to a minimum.

Corporal Levi turned to face the rest of them, eyeing Gunther most evilly. “Hungry, Hungry Hippos, Titan  _Edition_  is to never, ever, ever, never,  _ever_ happen again, alright? If I even hear of this shit game again, I will yank your organs out by your asshole and knit myself a sweater, got it?”

Where Erd, Petra, Aluo, and Eren nodded, rather fearfully, Gunther had said, “That’s a double negative, Corporal-”

“And if you correct me one more time, you’re getting a double boot to the ass, you shit,” Levi growled over him, tossing Erd rather harshly in his direction. Gunther staggered back when Erd collided with his body, hardly staying on his own feet. “Go get his horse and catch up. If you’re not there in ten minutes I swear I will skin your asses.”

Gunther answered immediately.

“Yes, Corporal.”


	7. Number Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hugs, Levi, or the titans have already won.

**“Or the titans have already won,” is not to be used with Corporal Levi when making a request. It does not make the request any more likely to be considered and only shows Corporal Levi that I want to be spanked for such a comment. I should not force the issue, either.**

**\+ + +**

His desk and chair would have his name on it throughout the rest of the day. Why he had so much damn paperwork to do today, he blamed Hanji for pawning hers off to him to tamper with and study Eren, someone of which he had not seen since breakfast.

A sigh escaped Levi and he set some script neatly aside.  _She probably guilted the brat into doing some titan shifting for her,_ he realized, noting that today, in fact, was Hanji’s birthday.

It had been too late in the game to get her something, unfortunately. Giving her a fresh bottle of glasses cleaner would be too repetitious, as this birthday would be the seventh in a row where his insistence that she clean her fucking glasses made her birthday gift simple.

He surmised he wouldn’t be getting her anything this year then. Not that she needed anymore toys, and he was used to doing her paperwork, because she never naturally turned it in on time unless he did have a hand in it. Levi’d already given her permission to work with Eren as long as it didn’t interfere with his cleaning duties.

_She can use him one whole day,_ he thought, signing off another memo,  _it won’t bother shit._

Three raps on the door broke him from his thoughts. “What?” he called, not looking up from his work, and the door came open.

He knew her voice well enough. “Hello, Levi,” Hanji sang as she entered.

“What do you want, Shit Glasses?” he droned, mimicking her sing-song voice.

“Oh, good key, Levi,” Hanji congratulated.

Levi looked up. She simply smiled at him. He looked back down at his paperwork. “I try,” he said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“So,” she started, “you know today’s my birthday, right?”

“Yeah,” Levi said.  _What, does she_ want  _another bottle of glasses cleaner this year?_ “I’m still trying to decide what to get you: straight punches, straight kicks, or a combination of the two to the ass.”

“Oh? Glasses cleaner’s off the list this year?” Levi stalled in his writing, then continued. He could tell she was smiling at him. “Either way, you won’t have to worry about that,” she assured him. “Because this year, I know exactly what I want from you.”

_Oh God._ Levi prayed, wondering as to what she could possibly want from him on her birthday. “If it’s punches and kicks, my fucking psychic powers are working.”

“No, Levi, I don’t want you to hit me,” Hanji said, laughing a little.

“Eren is not going to be your hot titan date to your birthday dinner.”

“Well I think that’d be up to him, now wouldn’t it?” Hanji questioned. “But that’s not it, either.”

Levi sighed.  _Of course._ “What do you want then?” he asked, sighing. She never answered him; she only giggled.

Levi sighed, deciding he might as well look up and see what she wanted. He glanced up to find Hanji with her arms outstretched, her fingers wiggling.

Though he could see it plain, she voiced her request of him. “I want a hug this year, Levi,” she said, smiling.

Levi blinked at her, almost in disbelief. He then glared bitterly. “Weren’t you there on Hug Your Superior Day? Or were your glasses so smeared with shit you didn’t see my head blow up?”

“No, I cleaned my glasses that day,” Hanji assured, bouncing on her heels a bit.

“I’m not giving you a hug, Hanji,” he declared.

“Oh, c’mon Levi, it’s my birthday, though!” She circled around the desk, her arms still outstretched. Levi, not wanting his head to explode today, leapt from his seat and moved away from her.

“Oi, don’t chase me, you shitty scientist,” he spat, hurrying around his desk as she took longer strides. He’d call her out on this bullshit, but he was too busy not getting touched.

“C’mon Levi, it’s just one,” she sang, as if that would make it better.

“No,” he insisted. “Back off. I’m warning you, Shit Glasses.”

What was this day coming to? Paperwork all day and then this shit.

“But you’ve gotta hug me!” Hanji said suddenly. Her expression might’ve been imploring if she didn’t look so amused with herself.

Levi back stepped toward the window. She advanced on him slowly. How’d he get cornered? He blamed Hanji.

“You’ve gotta hug me, Levi,” Hanji repeated, her glasses fogging over; she was plotting something. Levi knew that look all too well. “Or the titans have won,” she added on maliciously, yet with a smile on her face.

At that, all his inhibition at being touched drained away, replaced by a blank and sterile look. Hanji continued to close the distance, yet her hug was never completed. Before she had enough room to hug him, Levi drew back his hand and spanked her in the face, right on her glasses.

She stopped walking, her arms still in pre-hugging position. “Ouch,” she grumbled against his palm.

“Try that shit on some other loser,” Levi said, though he did not count himself as one of the losers who Hanji knew, “like Iwan or something. I ain’t buying your bullshit.”

“But Levi, I’m serious-” He cut her off with the flat of his palm launching another full-frontal assault on her face. He glowered at her as a shadow fell over the room, to which he took no notice.

“Listen, you Shit Glasses I-”

The glass shattered behind him, and he was the one cut off this time. Whatever shattered the window shoved up against the small of his back and thusly shoved him forward into Hanji’s awaiting embrace.

She snapped her arms around Levi tightly and nuzzled the top of his head, rocking around in a circle and showed Levi just  _what_ had shoved him, intentional or not.

Titan Eren’s finger and face showed in the other side of the window, a piercing green-blue eye peering into the opening through dark hair.

Hanji giggled, almost deviously. “Thank you, Eren,” she cooed at the titan as it slumped against the building. “Thank you Levi! This is the best, birthday, _ever!”_

How she secured Eren’s titan obedience for the moment, Levi didn’t care. The last thing he noted was the explosion, smoke, and fire going off and flaring up as his head detonated, the hug that Hanji so desired for her birthday ending with both of them checked in to the infirmary.


End file.
